Intimate Interactions

Today, Yana Skorstengaard, a masters candidate at the University of Ottawa in criminology discusses how we relate to crime and are intimate with the criminal punishment. It has the power to come into our lives and take everything we have. We trust that it will be just and fair with us even though we know it isn’t like that with lots of other people. Why do we assume we’ll be treated fairly? Is it only white folks who assume they’ll be treated fairly? We have a good conversation that I’m excited to share with you.

Trauma is everywhere, even in power exchange. Relationships can be traumatic, and total power exchange is no different. Healing can take years and adversely affect relationships, kink, and sex. When processing trauma, I think it’s important to work through any mistaken beliefs first, and to come to different conclusions about yourself before moving on. I’ve found cognitive behavioural therapy to be helpful in changing those beliefs in myself. I also didn’t find CBT healed much other than offering me some peace from the harm I was continuing to visit upon myself. When processing through the experience again, I was mindful first not to overwhelm my body with trauma, but rather to fill it with only the portion of the trauma I could safely process at once, using breathing and mindfulness to help anchor myself and control the experience. Those are also skills I learned with a counsellor - a somatic therapist this time. Finally, I try to put myself in a place that’s beautiful and can stimulate me in an aesthetic wa

What cultural change would improve the health and wellness of your society? Today we chat with Yana about cultural ideas such as retributive or punitive justice - Yana is a criminology researcher after all - and discuss social leadership. When I’m gaming and see anti-social or harmful behaviour from a teenager, what responsibility do I have to intervene or improve the culture? We ask important questions like: Is it possible to release only non-violent offenders for a temporary indefinite leave of absence where they are under house arrest with relatives if they have somewhere to go? Should we be releasing our non-violent offenders to save them - and us - from COVID-19? How would such a release reduce COVID-19 in the non-incarcerated population? And how would a release like that affect our way of thinking about imprisonment and punitive justice if letting them live under house arrest doesn’t increase crime? I also incorrectly say that in Manitoba, 98% of girls incarcerated are indigenous. In Saskatchewan, 98% o

This month we’ve focused a lot on two alternating threads in the show: more talking about sex, and more talking about the relationship to oneself. As I try to tackle harder concepts and try recording more outside and in less ideal environments, I’m continuing to experiment with different kinds of show ideas. Let me know what’s working for you and what isn’t by commenting on https://facebook.com/intimatevictor or on twitter @intimatevictor or on instagram at @intimatevictor or by emailing podcast@victorsalmon.com. Today we talk about suicidality: what being close to suicide felt like for people who’ve had major depressive disorder and who have lived with depression for a very long time - in my case my whole life. I’ve also lived with suicidal ideation my whole life and think about it in a very granular fashion: am I just thinking about hurting myself? Just about suicide in an unrealistic situation because it helps me get through the day? Thinking about suicide in a semi serious way but with unrealistic means?

Anal sex is one of my favourite topics because I enjoy giving anal sex, and have recently been attempting to enjoy receiving anal sex with limited success. Jazz Goldman is also a veteran of giving anal sex to others but they have recently become quite successful at enjoying receiving anal sex. We discuss our bodies, our strategies, and our outcomes. If you wanted a high level conversation about the ins and outs of anal sex, this is it.

“If you say mental wellness three times, some asshole in a ‘Live, Love, Laugh’ t-shirt will appear and tell you to go outside.” - sign at BitF 2019 Relationship to the self is critical when considering mental wellness. Often we think of that relationship being purely a mental one, but many things comprise one’s relationship to the self including sleep, hydration, diet, and exercise. Dax is my guest today as we discuss the evidence based approaches to coping with struggles in mental wellness. We discuss our real life experiences of coping with depression and hopefully throw in some insight that might help you understand of people with depression if not help you gain insight into your own human experience. https://intimatevictor.com/resources (scroll to the bottom for mental health resources including Vancouver specific ones) https://www.cocothelouder.com/coco-resources/ https://themighty.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/xScreen-Shot-2018-01-25-at-12.56.40-PM.png.pagespeed.ic.eOHsDoXObS.webp https://themighty.com

Hi Intimates. Today we’re talking with Yana, the criminology researcher, about why it’s important we start looking at issues like homelessness and the conditions in prisons. If we each of us is to be safe in our quarantine from COVID-19, the sooner we reduce the number of new infections, the better. So, let’s talk about why keeping ourselves safe means taking care of social issues we’ve ignored with Yana Skorstengaard on Intimate Interactions. Link for petition https://cp-ep.org/protectprisoners/ - Petition/List of Demands Fundraiser to support prisoners and their families in Ontario: https://www.gofundme.com/f/prisoner-emergency-support-fund?utm_source=widget&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet

Alternative relationship spaces like polyamory groups or kink organizations sometimes struggle to see when Racism is going on in the space because it tends to be more subtle than traditional violence. Jazz Goldman is a mixed Black-Jewish American, and I’m a mixed British-Indo Canadian. We bring our mixed experiences of our heritages to this conversation about Racism. I try to document how Racism looks to us in these communities and what recommendations Jazz has for organizers looking to make these spaces more inclusive. There is, in my opinion, a great importance of making a concerted effort to change culture among several organizers or events at the same time. Posters, policies, and hands-on education is the way to go in my opinion. It’s worth hiring an anti-oppression consultant if you can, and it’s always more effective when it’s more than one organizer. Good luck taking an anti-Racism stance in your community, friends! Jazz mentioned microaggressions as bee stings during the episode and it turns out it wa

Note: This episode published a day early so it could be in time for Halloween even though it's focused primarily on Diwali. As time goes on I'm going to continue to try to rush themed episodes to you in time for the appropriate dates but may not always be able to do this.  Hey Intimates. I wanted to do a Hallowe'en episode because it’s such a popular holiday and I’ve been challenging myself to create and release special episodes around festivals or holidays. It turned into a Diwali episode because despite being descended from a half Roman Catholic family, I have been far more interested in my Indian heritage recently. This year, I’m celebrating both dates. Before getting into the Indian celebration, I do my best to explain and do justice to Allhallowtide, a three day festival where Hallows Evening or Hallowe'en is just one part on October 31 involving a vigil for the Catholic saints in heaven (hallows is synonymous with saints). Irene joins me today as an Indo Canadian woman who hasn’t lived in India lik

Race is a complicated topic to discuss, because there are quite a few misconceptions out there. I want to tackle how white a lot of alternative spaces are because of how inhospitable they can be for people of colour. This episode discusses what races are, how eugenics impacted ideas that we internalize today, the supposed scientific basis of eugenics, and who gets to be white. Despite our best efforts, I think we both agreed that this episode centered whiteness too much for our own liking, but it is my hope that it’s a great episode for you to listen to if you are a White person or are looking for some basics around Racism in alternative spaces like a polyamory community or a Kink community - of course depending on city. Jazz mentioned people who survived the Bubonic Plague (Black Death) may carry a mutation that resists HIV infection! https://www.the-scientist.com/research-round-up/could-the-black-death-protect-against-hiv-54468 Jazz mentioned a book on stereotypes which turned out to be called Typecasting a

Person on the internet: “Wow you’re so mature for your age.” Other person on the internet: “Thanks, it’s the lifetime of depression and self-isolation.” Intimate Interactions is about relationships and intimacy. I can’t think of a more important relationship than the one to yourself. Some educators talk about self relationship from the perspective of being your own partner first and foremost, before you partner with anyone else. I like that view. Speaking as a person who has lived with depression and anxiety his entire life, I have to ask: are you in an abusive relationship with yourself? It’s worth reflecting on your internal conversations. If you have an abusive internal voice, who does that abusive voice remind you of? As a person who has been through years of counselling and has unlearned very harmful beliefs about competence, intelligence, elitism, etcetera, I have to ask: What mistaken beliefs did they teach you if any? Could you come to new conclusions about those things and start to cultivate the self

Have you ever heard of non monogamous people having “comet” partners? Today we’ll discuss what that means and how it’s different from long distance relationships. Jazz Goldman and I talk about what a comet partner relationship might look like between the two of us. We talk about sustainability, and make a distinction between being community-oriented non monogamous folks, and being individual-oriented non monogamous folks. One way to think of community-oriented non monogamy is how focused we are on our greater collection of lovers and our lovers’ lovers - that is to say on our polycules. One way to think of individual-oriented non-monogamy is more like solo polyamorous folks, though not all solo polyamorous folks are individual-oriented. I mean to say if we take a radically personally autonomous stance - that we are each responsible only for ourselves, we would be embodying more of an individual-oriented philosophy rather than a community-minded one. Sustainability of relationships and thinking about how they

Maita is a men’s coach living in Victoria who teaches healthy relationships between men. We talk about emotional labour, exercises you can do with your friends or at home, strategies with intimate partners, socially acceptable ways men share intimacy with other men, and about the challenge of restoring intimacy between men if they’ve received gender messages that have poisoned their relationships or have been “toxic” in some way to them. We hope you enjoy the session. It might be somewhat binary at times but is designed for people who identify as men, and I think gender non conforming and non binary folks who present as masculine or men in any amount could still get some use out of the content. Content warning: when talking about depression and men, suicide may come up. Please resource yourself appropriately. Would you offer a definition of toxic masculinity? How do you convince men to buy out of toxic masculinity? What would you want to see more men buy into? (themselves, relationship skills) Could yo

Relationships can be thought of as strategies for meeting our human needs with each other. They can also be thought of as the sum of our interactions. That might sound complicated - and it is! That’s why it’s much easier to think of them in cookie-cutter, pre-set ways. We are given scripts and categories. This is what “friends with benefits” looks like. This is what “getting serious” looks like. The problem with categories is often their inability to manage the spaces between them, the liminal spaces. Accordingly, we have a concept called the relationship elevator that shuttles us between our preset categories, but always in one direction. Have you ever tried to call off an engagement to go back to solidifying a relationship before marriage? I certainly have. Spoilers: it ends the relationship. Jazz Goldman and I discuss today what our relationship is, the sum of our interactions. We talk about our boundaries, our expectations, and our intentions. Enjoy! Left Brain vs Right Brain https://www.medicalnewstoday.

Welcome to the second session of the Tillie-Victor Friendship Project - or TVFP. We’re recording outdoor sessions documenting our friendship as it progresses. This is a continuation of our first session and as such it was accidentally recorded on our H1N Zoom recorder as a low quality MP3, but we solemnly swear to be up to higher fidelity good in future sessions. Today we chat about Liminality, possibly our favourite topic; we mention the c̓əsnaʔəm Musqueam city before Vancouver; we discuss mental health, bipolar disorder, and suicidality. I share a breakthrough I had on valuing myself; and of course: content warning: we talk about indigenous rights, rapid cycling bipolar disorder, depression and suicidality. That sounds about right for our second session of getting to know each other as friends, right? The village of musqueam folks living here before settlers like ourselves called it Vancouver was called c̓əsnaʔəm. Here are notes on the pronunciation: The first letter /c̓/ sounds very much like "ts" in the w

It’s my pleasure to talk more with Jazz Goldman today, an intersex human, friend of mine, ocassional sex partner of mine, and professional cuddler for cuddlist. Suffice it to say they have a really informed and interesting perspective on intimacy, sex, and gender. Jazz is also a mixed race person like me, except instead of being British and Indian, they are a Black Jew. I mention that because I think all four of those identities are complex, but in many ways the most complex identity is that of being mixed race, and on that front, I think the two of us find a lot of common ground. Since this episode is about intersex folks, I want to make a quick point. If sizes and shapes of genitals are already understood to vary widely, perhaps on several bell curves, why is it such a stretch to think of the shape varying not only among genitals in two binary categories but between those categories as well, perhaps like an inverted bell curve where most people occupy a space towards one of two categories but various people

Today I begin an experimental piece called the Tillie Friendship Project. Inspired by Audio Smut and The Heart podcasts, I got an H1N Zoom mic, the newer version of what Kaitlin Prest started with when recording Audio Smut. Seriously, if you’ve never heard it, go listen to it - it’s still ground breaking even if she and I disagree on the possibility of non monogamy as a functional relationship style. While we don’t intend to come close to the alternative excellence of Prest’s early work, we did want to see what it looks like when two people try to document their experiences of friendship such that they can refer to them in the future. Unfortunately the H1N Zoom sounded great on the live monitor but was saving the audio as the lowest quality MP3 which was notably less good. Hashtag learning experiences. Today we talk about artificial intelligence, robots, capitalism, and sexually transmitted infections. That’s a fair first conversation as friends, right?

Jazz Goldman and I just went to Pride. Jazz is a friend of mine, an ocassional sex partner of mine, a professional cuddler for cuddlist, all about the performing arts, and all about community building. Jazz and I have in common being some flavor of gender non-confirming and also being mixed race humans. In Jazz’ case, they are a Black Jew, and in my case I’m a British Indian. Very, very different backgrounds, and yet the experience of being a quote “third culture” end quote child has its similarities. Jazz is most importantly a sexuality intellectual. We sometimes get lost on tangents as we both find each other so interesting even when we’re off topic. Back on topic: did I say we two mixed race, queers of colour were just at Pride? Well it turns out some queers, especially some queers of colour, have strong feelings about Pride sometimes and we want to present some thoughts that might currently be less common in the mainstream while remaining as polite and kind to current organizers as possible as they still

Kat’s back for another session. This time, we talk about their experience of people pleasing and worthlessness. Kat describes the ideal of being a “wantless angel” that spends their time satisfying other people’s needs and wants. It may sound awful, but sometimes I think the body can be a traumatic place to be and focusing on someone else can sometimes be a relief, and a great way to get needs for validation met… and of course, sometimes a place of avoidance that many of us visit regularly or vacation in occasionally. I bring up the idea of slowing down the process of reliving trauma or “titrating” it, allowing someone to control how much they process at once. We talk about mental health and therapy. Finally, we make it to giving or getting permission to ask for what you want. Resources https://askingforwhatyouwant.com I Don’t Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression (Terrence Real from 1998) What does it mean to be a ‘good girl’? [“Among those socialized as girls, however

Kris Perry is back to talk about parents, trauma, fear of intimacy, and the boy from the Wendy’s parking lot. She came to the recording session directly from his house. I mention my partners in this session. I talk about the importance of trying again and again when it comes to getting hurt in intimacy. My position is you can’t choose not to be hurt in life, but you can choose who gets to hurt you. I think if you make a good choice, you won’t regret it. Let’s go to the session.