Zetus Lapodcast: The Complete Oral History Of Disney Channel Original Movies

HyperRPG / Drunkly Romantic's Markus Maes joins us to talk YOU WISH!, a who's who of early 2000s Disney stars who quietly disappeared into thin air. We get deep in the weeds of Spencer Breslin's amazing Twitter account, the importance of good hair and we make the case for why Markiplier is the Pepsi to Markus's Coke.

MOVIE MOTORBREATH editor Salim Garami joins us to talk 'TWAS THE NIGHT, a banal Christmas movie made especially notable because it stars Bryan Friggin' Cranston, channeling his inner-Walter White years before his Emmy winning turn on Breaking Bad. By that, I mean he spends most of the movie screaming about money and business. The kid from Sex Drive is also in this movie. There's not really much else notable to say, so we talked about other stuff (chocolate sauce and orange marmalade, Michael Mann's BLACKHAT, etc.), as per usual.

Actual scientist and Mom against anime Brian Nadon talks to us about dolphins, Madeline L'Engle's fundamental misunderstandings of science and religion, and Jared Padalecki being cuckolded as demonstrated in the film A RING OF ENDLESS LIGHT, where The OC's Mischa Barton talks to dolphins and has dreams of being a mermaid. Every single character in this movie is either going to an Ivy League school or MIT, which is bonkers since they're all dumb dumb dumbies.

Gilmore Guys co-host / Daddy Kevin T. Porter joins us this week to talk THE LUCK OF THE IRISH, a movie you remember very fondly and probably, definitely shouldn't! This conversation breaks down very quickly and I am INTO IT.

#NoFilter host Zack Peter joins us this week to discuss KIM POSSIBLE: A SITCH IN TIME, what it's like to be an LA native, moon dust and debate the merits of GMOs and vegan cheese!

STILL DREAMIN's Drew Mixon joins us to talk about TRU CONFESSIONS, the most vile, repugnant, low-key racist movie we've covered on this podcast so far. We use this time mostly to discuss Shelly Miscavige, TV shows Drew should watch and whether or not a scene where a black teenager begs for fried chicken being immediately juxtaposed with Shia Labeouf drilling into a watermelon is considered a cinematic hate crime.

Fan favorite Michael Varrati (A CHRISTMAS REUNION, FLESH FOR THE INFERNO, A BILLION OTHER GOSH DARN THINGS) returns to discuss THE SCREAM TEAM, a genuinely delightful and technically magnificent entry into the DCOM Halloween canon. Not an ounce of snark this week, as both he and I were charmed by its performances, impressed by the economy of its storytelling and blown away by the impeccable art direction, costume and prop work. Eric Idle is in this movie! Michael has a lot going on right now, but you can follow him @MichaelVarrati on Twitter to get the full details on everything he's up to. One thing he didn't mention on air was this! Go to it: https://secure.outfest.org/tixSYS/2016/xslguide/eventnote.php?EventNumber=9090

OH, THE FLESH YOU WILL EAT! and ALL THE FEELINGS author Michael Levine (@bizmichael) joins us to drink laundry detergent and talk about THE JENNIE PROJECT, a largely-forgotten Disney Channel Original Movie from the writer of THE RELIC about an adorable chimpanzee who is put on trial in a human courtroom for committing mail fraud. This episode is shorter than normal because Michael had a lot to say about [redacted] and publishing it would have got both him and I killed. Buy his new book ALL THE FEELINGS from Devastator Press, the fine folks behind everything good in the universe right now. http://devastatorpress.com/feelings/

Comedian Hana Michels ("Free Therapy," VICE, Paste, Croptop), a very Jewish person, is here to discuss a terrorism thriller disguised as a family Christmas movie! In a movie where a Furby can cause apocalyptic weather scenarios, the most bizarre thing that happens is we are expected to believe there are wooded areas and ranch-style McMansions in downtown Los Angeles. It's weird.

Alex Rheault, under the alias zoogtube on Twitter, is the world's foremost leading authority on Disney Channel Original Movie memes. He joins us this week to talk about Jett Jackson: The Movie, a movie I didn't remember all that fondly and was shocked to find IS MINDBLOWINGLY CRAZY AND AWESOME. As a result, we talk about it a lot for a very, very long time. Trigger warning: we talk about the mass shooting in Orlando for longer than a little bit and we touch on the elephant in the room when discussing The Famous Jett Jackson - star Lee Thompson Young's suicide in 2013. All this is held for near the end of the podcast. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide and you need someone to talk to, call 1 (800) 273-8255.

You loved the last time we made you suffer through (mostly erotic) fanfiction written by fans of Disney Channel Original Movies, so we're giving you a second helping of that sweet sweet teen character cool sex having written by enthusiastic teenagers in the early 2000s and immortalized online!

Ben Siemon (UCB, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Brunch) took a small break from photoshopping himself into Gilmore Girls stills to talk to us about Life-Size, the Tyra Banks/Lindsay Lohan entry into a storied tradition of completely bonkers fantasy films in the Disney television canon.

This week we are joined by an actual baby.

This week, we have returning guests because the name of this movie is DOUBLE TEAMED and they wanted to double team me. See what we did there? Yeah.

A guy I know named Nathan has been hounding me to be on this podcast for months, so I gave him the movie HOUNDED because it was a good opportunity for wordplay. This episode is in very poor taste and you're welcome for finally getting down to the bottom of how you pronounce Nathan's last name.

Breaking news: Diane Keaton chainsmoking and wreathing on the floor will play on Disney Channel at least one more time.

Hot mess and walking disaster Tess Lyle joins us to talk about STEPSISTER FROM PLANET WEIRD, a gust of fresh air (haha) that is very weird (haha again) indeed! 

Generation Animation host Tyler Moliterno (@TylerSwift) joins us to talk PHANTOM OF THE MEGAPLEX, a batty horror mystery set in the dog eat dog world of movie theater management! Mickey Rooney is shepherded around this movie like a gosh darn circus animal, so that's uncomfortable.

The Andy Richter to my Conan O'Brien on my failed web talk show #heltzel (guys, THIS EXISTED), Ben Cheung, joins me from a webcam microphone while he plays League of Legends to talk about the Lindsay Lohan starrer GET A CLUE, where a print journalist owns a penthouse apartment in Manhattan, a three bedroom house in an idyllic part of Brooklyn is "scary," and "high fashion" is looking as much like a gel pen as possible. The most mysterious thing about this movie is how its central mystery is so effortlessly figured out by its protagonists. The second most mysterious thing: HOW COULD THE ECONOMY SUPPORT THAT SPY GEAR STORE?

Indiewire/Playboy/Esquire/Movie Mezzanine/Harlot/Mubi/Film School Rejects/literally everywhere writer Kyle Turner joins us to talk about The Poof Point, but as always, we mostly just talk about Sean Cody. Go figure.