Zetus Lapodcast: The Complete Oral History Of Disney Channel Original Movies

Miracle in Lane 2 and Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz joins Zach for a brief chat at his home in Arizona, where they briefly discussed the movie but they mostly discussed other things, like life, love and what it's like to be an adult who America knows and remembers exclusively as a child.

Comedian and Croptop writer Wayne Cousins joins us to watch a little seen but totally awesome Disney Channel Original Movie, READY TO RUN. Sinbad is the voice of a talking horse. Another horse gets lit on fire. There are multiple references to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This movie is AMAZING.

The AV Club/Complex/US Weekly/literally everywhere writer LaToya Ferguson joins us to talk about THE OTHER ME, a movie that is beneath the talents of people like Alison Pill and Mark Mothersbaugh, who have been brought along for the ride anyway. In lieu of talking about this dreadful Andy Lawrence clone comedy, we talk about more important things like the stealth brilliance of Joel Schumacher's Batman films or how I, Zach Heltzel, and a crazy person for not minding MORTDECAI.

This week, we're tackling our first ever fan film on this podcast. Some rascals in 2011 decided to make a bizarre, R-rated sequel to DCOM classic Brink! chronicling the aftermath of the inline skating invitational that ends the first film. Our guest this week has never seen the original Brink! so while I parse through the details it shares with the film that inspired it, she can view this 22 minute short for what it really is: a comic masterpiece.

You asked, so I answered! This week's very overdue second installment in our mail bag episodes is mostly about things that are not DCOM related, so if you're here for that, you might want to skip this one.

Our guest this week, Amy Medeiros, has read more of my writing than anyone else I know because she was my managing editor at my old job. Now she's the design editor of The Normal Noise and a scholar of the Disney Channel Original Movie RIP GIRLS, a movie about preteens negotiating multimillion dollar land transactions. Unlike most episodes of our show, we actually have a deep discussion about the themes and plot points of this wholesome, formally well-made movie that cares more about telling a story than it does about giving kids the sugar rush they've come to expect from DCOMs. We also talk about leiderhosen, sans serifs and how cool Amy's dad is.

Close friend and former podcaster Steven Newport joins me to talk about pretty much anything and everything except Mom's Got a Date With a Vampire, a fun but VERY slight horror genre pic that pits a tranquilized Caroline Rhea and her family against that guy from The Nanny. Lizzie McGuire's dad plays a role in the festivities as well.

It's like Carol...with dirtbikes! Writer and reigning zine queen Lora Thompson joins us with some Monster Energy and pinot grigio to talk about MOTOCROSSED, a weirdly conservative and yet aggressively feminist story about a girl making it in a man's world while embarking on a romantic journey with a straight boy who thinks she's a boy and...it's complicated. This movie is complicated. Dean Talon is an adult film star name. The mom from Dawson's Creek is in this. It's incredible. Audio quality sucks this week because our recording provider decided to add a new feature that broke their platform. Ugh.  

We're back for Season 2! Writer Joey Ziemniak joins Zach to talk about the DCOM horror movie DON'T LOOK UNDER THE BED, which features some of the best work of character actor Stephen Tobolowsky and some special effects that are way better than anything we've seen in a Disney Channel Original Movie so far. Needless to say, we don't talk about the movie much at all, because nothing has changed about this podcast. I'm still a horrible monster.

A few months back, I resolved that the next time I don't have a traditional episode ready to be released, I would treat you all to some dramatic readings of fanfiction based on your favorite Disney Channel Original Movies. This was a very naive idea because as you are probably guessing, it's all just erotica with characters from TV movies for children plugged in. At least I was sent a really good Psych / Luck of the Irish crossover! I'm sorry and you're welcome.

Burgeoning comedy person and bowling enthusiast Sydney Varga joins us to talk about wine coolers and DCOM daddies on our ALLEY CATS STRIKE episode. Review the podcast on iTunes unless you hate me.

Andrew Schwartz (Talkin' 'Bout Turtle) joins me to talk about MIRACLE IN LANE 2, a movie where God is really hot and everyone in heaven has spina bifida. Zach has a brief panic attack, the merits of butt chugging are argued and Andrew learns what one of the many racial slurs used in GRAN TORINO means. Review the show on iTunes if you aren't a mean weirdo.

Matt Farley, the most prolific musician in the world (this is a verifiable, objective fact), took some time out of his spectacularly busy schedule to talk to us about UP, UP AND AWAY, a superhero movie where Kevin Connolly plays a supervillain. No, really. The movie is short and fairly unremarkable so we take the hour to discuss Matt's illustrious music and movie career, how race plays into merchandising and whether or not you should show your kids Miyazaki's THE WIND RISES. You can check out Matt's 18,000 (!!!) songs and his feature films at moternmedia.com. Follow him on Twitter @moternmedia. Review the show on iTunes if you aren't a mean weirdo.

My mom joins me this week to talk about Model Behavior, aka the Disney Channel Original Movie that Justin Timberlake and Kathie Lee Gifford were both in. I learned my mom briefly considered not getting me vaccinated, so that was weird. You can follow Zach on Twitter @zachheltzel and the show @ZetusLapodcast.

Film critic Justine Smith joins us to almost barely kinda talk about the Lawrence Brothers classic "Horse Sense," a giant commercial for Disneyland that explores Beverly Hills and the open ranges of Montana...but never Disneyland. In addition to Joey Lawrence's freakishly perfect man lumps, we talk about how to "make it" in freelance journalism, how much we dislike "Friends" & the collective works of Chuck Lorre and what the financial failure of "Jem and the Holograms" means for cinema exhibition as we know it. You can follow Justine on Twitter @redroomrantings, Zach @zachheltzel and the show @ZetusLapodcast.

Have you ever tried so hard to watch a movie but you just couldn't pay attention to what's happening? Comedian James Mullan and I ran into this problem while watching H-E Double Hockey Sticks, a Will Freidle comedy so profoundly mediocre that it takes amazingly crazy town banana pants material and makes it, dare I say, hellish.   This episode is brought to you by our guest pretending to wear headphones, creating horrific echo on the audio track that I mostly was able to fix. Mostly.

Randy Quaid, Henry Winkler and JESSICA FRIGGIN ALBA star in the weirdest Disney Channel Original Movie we have covered so far. Yes, worse than even You Lucky Dog. P.U.N.K.S. is a nearly indescribable delight and it is the first movie we've done where menacing adults point guns at children! Oh, and in the tradition of late nineties DCOMs, there is a joke about a kid's grandmother eating "spunk."

I have a terrible migraine and as a result, I haven't been able to take the time to edit our most recent episode. Instead, enjoy this episode where I talk to myself for over 50 minutes answering your questions!

What happens when Zach brings his former boss Greg Stevens on to talk about a Disney Channel movie? Find out in this week's episode about GENIUS, a mishmash of every genre imaginable. It's hard to describe this movie but we do the best we can weeding through the brush of this dual identity science-fiction sports movie...thing... Please rate, review and subscribe on iTunes! Follow Greg on Twitter @gregstevens, Zach @zachheltzel and the show @zetuslapodcast.  

Comedian Sophia Benoit joins us to talk about Disney Channel's take on the East Coast / West Coast rivalry of the 1990s: a surfing/skiing/snowboarding extreme sports movie called JOHNNY TSUNAMI. Starring Brandon Baker as NOT Johnny Tsunami - yes, the main character in this movie is not the titular one - as a fish (metaphorically) out of water (literally) in a comically prissy New England prep school, this movie is almost identical to BRINK! except without an ounce of humor. Also, Zenon herself Kirstin Storms shows up to say "Very funny!" and Shang Tsung from the MORTAL KOMBAT films is here to be the coolest grandpa ever. Please rate, review and subscribe on iTunes! Follow Sophia on Twitter @1followernodad, Zach @zachheltzel and the show @zetuslapodcast.