Parenting Teens: The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have Podcast

Do you remember the power of a “look” from your parents when you were growing up? That’s the first mantra discussed on this podcast with Laura Gauld, as we wrap up parenting fundamental #3 on building family traditions.  How did we know what our parents meant when they gave us the “look”, and how can we get back to that in parenting today? Full of great tips, this conversation covers Mantras 56-60: Remember the power of a “look” Always call the other parents What you pay attention to is what you reinforce Go to your children’s physical location Keep one foot in front of the other.

"Focus on family spirit and not family image." What an important and thought-provoking mantra, especially in a world where image seems to be everything.  But how do we do this?  “It’s not easy,” says Laura Gauld; “and it’s usually a struggle or challenge in the family that gets us to the point of understanding that each family does have a family spirit, and that family spirit is more important than our family image.” The mantras in this podcast are: Plan an activity with each child. Value and expect manners Teach a firm handshake and eye contact. Teach a family motto and live it. Focus on family spirit and not family image.

“If you want to go fast in your life, go alone; if you want to go far, go together.”  African Proverb “Life is not just about taking care of ourselves.”  Laura Gauld Both of the above quotes are covered in this podcast, as well as many other meaningful tips from mantras 46 – 50 under Parenting Fundamental # 3: Build Family Traditions: Light candles at the dinner table (or at breakfast or lunch!) Talk to your child when you are in the car (and listen to them also.) Family jobs (Are you teaching your child how to work?) Reach out and give back as a family (Kids will remember this family experience.) Bring rigor, synergy and conscience into the home. (What does this really mean?)

“When parents change the way they interact with their sons and daughters, they pave the way for transformation.” Bobbi DePorter is the founder of Super Camp, a camp for kids that’s been around for 35 years and is now in 19 different countries. While Super Camp is for kids, The Seven Biggest Teen Problems and How to Turn Them into Strengths is a book written for parents to help them see what changes they need to make to effect changes in their children. “We’re different from most other programs because we’re purposefully evolving,” says Bobbi in her book. She and her team of facilitators have identified the most common difficulties they see teens facing and boiled them down to seven main issues: Troubled Relationships Emotional Hurt Negative Self-Image Fear of Disruptive Change Poor Grades Lack of Focus Low Motivation You can find Bobbi at www.supercamp.com

"The big picture of raising children is done with the actions, routines and practices that make up lifetime memories, habits and character," says Laura Gauld, author and head of Hyde School. "It is never too late to start a family tradition and often the value of these actions is seen looking back at one’s upbringing." In this podcast, she covers the first 5 mantras for Parenting Fundamental #3 -  Build Family Traditions (#41-45): Make attitude everything Center the family on honesty Write letters Family meeting Mandatory fun

One of the mantras Laura Gauld discusses with us in today’s podcast is “don’t lie, don’t quit.”  This is a great lesson for kids and adults and a very simple thing to remember.  If I’m off track in my life, I won’t lie about it and I won’t give up. I can imagine our kids remembering this mantra when they are adults if they hear it often enough from us, and probably repeating it to their kids. (See below for all the mantras in today’s podcast.) There are other great tidbits and lots of helpful information in this conversation, as we wrap up the lessons for our second parenting fundamental: Raise children to be accountable to life.  Mantras 36-40: “Is this my issue?” “Look for the positive but do not over gush.” “If you think they are doing a little, they are doing a lot.” “Don’t lie, don’t quit.” “Show up early and stay late.”

"Why do we have kids wanting to shoot up a school?" This is the question Joe Gauld, founder of The Hyde School in Bath, Maine, asks at the beginning of this podcast. Thus starts his explanation of looking at a deeper lesson in the Florida School schooting, rather than just a band aid solution to our national crises of school shootings. “Develop a safe place or sanctuary,” Joe proposes, “that will allow students to trust that teachers see the best in them and want the best for them. Then let the school be student-centered, based on the character development of each individual as well as the academic development of the kids. In this way we will begin to get rid of the resentment and bullying that has happened as a result of focusing totally on achievement.”  There is a lot of wisdom in what Joe shares with us on this podcast. You can see his full article in the Portland Press Herald: https://www.pressherald.com/2018/02/22/maine-voices-laser-focus-on-each-students-unique-potential-to-make-schools-safe-sanctuarie

Are you worried about a teen who says they are depressed? Do you see anxiety in your teen? Do you find vagueness a part of yours or your teen’s communication? In part two of our podcast series with Hilary Jacobs Hendel, we learn about what to do if a teen says they are depressed or if they exhibit anxiety. Hilary talks about the importance of roots and wings for our children, the difference between healthy and unhealthy shame in parenting, and why families fall into vagueness as a defense in their communication with one another. You can find Hilary at www.Hilaryjacobshendel.com and her book at Amazon.

Can you laugh at yourself during some tough parenting moments? Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? It is possible, says Laura Gauld in our 7th podcast interview in which she shares with us more wisdom from Parenting Fundamental #2: Raise children to be accountable to life. Laura also shares with us the necessity of teaching our children to delay gratification, and the importance of teaching them how to work.  Mantras 31-35: Never negotiate with a terrorist attitude Delay gratification Look for humor and laughter Principles over rules Teach your child to work.

“What would we have needed in order to be able to talk openly about issues of suicide, teen pregnancy, birth control, addiction, or abuse, (to our parents)?”  Dawn Menken in Raising Parents, Raising Kids. Dawn Menken, author, teacher and workshop leader, has graciously joined us for a second podcast to talk in depth about the issue of bullying. She discusses the four roles of any bullying situation and says each can be alive in all of us at any given time: Victim Oppressor Witness Facilitator She gives tips for parents on how to help children understand what’s at the root of bullying; what parents need to look at in themselves that might be promoting bullying attitudes in their children; and the responsibility parents have in helping to prevent and deal with bullying. My biggest take-aways from this podcast were learning Dawn’s approach to back talk from our teens, learning how to help a child who is sworn to secrecy by a friend whose secret needs to be known, and the subtlety of where bullying comes from

How do you respond to your child when they get angry at you?  Is your answer or reaction also one of anger?  Wouldn’t it be great if we understood what emotions get triggered in us that make us respond the way we do? This podcast with Hilary Jacobs Hendel will help you answer these questions.  Hilary has written a book called “It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self.”  While the title might lead you to think this book is about therapy or psychoanalysis, there is a lot in it to help parents understand where our emotions come from and how we can respond differently to our kids when they are upset; we can also teach them how to deal with their emotions, rather than throwing up defenses to avoid them. You can find Hilary at www.Hilaryjacobshendel.com and her book will be released tomorrow – February 6th.  It’s available now at Amazon. 

Tricia Uber, Director of College Counseling at Hyde School, advises parents on how much to be involved in the college application process, and where to leave things up to the student. "Students need to have a team for the application and decision process," she says, "but the final decision should be up to the student." Listen to this podcast and get more advice and wisdom about the entire college application process from Tricia, some of which may surprise you! 

This sounds like a parenting conundrum, doesn’t it? So many parenting moments are moments of doubting what the outcome will be, and often doubting ourselves. That’s when we need to go back to our principles, and assure ourselves that even a bad outcome will move us into a new place of learning – about ourselves, as well as our children. This podcast is filled with gems of parenting wisdom from author and head of Hyde School, Laura Gauld.  The mantras we discuss include, This could be good, or this could be bad. Be ready to go to the wall. Let your child struggle without stepping in to lessen the discomfort. When your child screws up, take them back to the scene of the crime to make amends. Allow your children the same struggles that shaped you.

Are you worried about a child using substances? Would you like to know how to speak with your teen about substance use?  In this podcast we hear from Geno Ring, Certified Alcohol and Drug counselor, as he shares his 34 years of experience as a substance abuse counselor with us. Geno is not only knowledgeable about the dangers of substance abuse in teenagers, he also has great advice for parents. While he advocates finding a counselor in your area so you can meet in person, you can find Geno at this confidential email address: bring@gwi.net 

Just the title of this parenting fundamental tells us that parenting is a big job! If we want to help our children grow into responsible adults, with a moral compass and a conscience that guides them, we need to keep in mind that our goal, even when they are teens, is to help them thrive and become independent. As Laura says in this podcast, “The world is not their mother.” The five mantras Laura Gauld and I discuss are, Do not do for your children what they can do for themselves. The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. Value success and failure Treat your child as if they were someone else’s As a matter of practice, expect your child to do things they may not want to do, just because.

Do you want your children to grow up trusting their instincts? Of course you do!  You want them to take responsible risks, trust themselves, have grit, and be respectful – of themselves as well as to others. This podcast, covering the last five mantras or lessons of Parenting Fundamental # 1: Understand Your Job as Parents, will give you clues on how to teach and model that, as well as many other tips on making parenting just that much easier and fun. Let go of good guy/bad guy roles. If our children see us as parents always in the same box, they will stay in their box. Change and you will inspire change in your child. Love your child yet resist seeking their love. If you know you love your child, let go of groveling for the scraps of affection. Seek their respect and you will receive all the love you need in time. Parents need a community. We cannot do this important job alone even if we have a supportive partner. Create the village that you need. The more you talk, the more you lose. When you are not happy

In this podcast, Laura Gauld and I look at parenting lessons that will teach us about the different moments we experience in parenting; there are many easy ones, but then there are some that are “calculus moments.” (Tune in to see what these are!) Be prepared for these calculus moments by listening to the third group of lessons or mantras of Parenting Fundamental # 1: Understand your job as parents: Do only those things that keep you strong You are not expected to be right, just to do your best. Don’t beat yourself up unless it is helpful. Remember that you are the parent. What is the challenge here for me?

"If we are awake, children will show us the kind of parenting they need," says Dawn Menken, author of Raising Parents, Raising Kids: Hands-on Wisdom for the Next Generation. What would that look like? Wouldn’t that be letting the kids be in charge? Not at all says Dawn; it would mean listening differently to our kids and realizing that it’s our job to help them discover their uniqueness, and if we follow their process, the job of parenting becomes one that teaches us more about ourselves along the way. Dawn Menken is a therapist in Portland, Oregon; she does individual, relationship and family therapy and is also on the faculty of the Process Work Institute in Portland where she teaches graduate courses. She travels and offers workshops on a variety of themes, including conflict resolution, group facilitation, diversity issues, children and school issues and health and psychology. You can find her at  www.dawnmenken.com

"Sometimes parenting is two steps forward and one step back," says author Elizabeth Berger in her book, Raising Kids with Character: Developing Trust and Personal Integrity in Children, "But don’t let that discourage you. Your job as a parent is to control the situation, not the child." Dr. Berger, a board certified child and adolescent psychiatrist with thirty years’ experience treating children and families, shares with us her knowledge about what goes into raising a child of character and the importance of the parent being intensely real. She also says, "it’s never too late." You may email Elizabeth at elizabethbergermd@gmail.com and her website is www.elizabethbergermd.com

Did you like the first 5 lessons that taught us more about Parenting Fundamental #1? If so, you’ll also like this quick session with Laura Gauld on the second five lessons for this fundamental: Do not engage Truth over Harmony Do not take it personally Liberate yourself from looking good Expect and demand respect from your children (and you will get their love.) Tune in, and discover the courage to stop your own dance of deception and embrace your job as parent. As we say with parenting, it's hard, it's doable, and it's never too late. Resources: Hyde School's Biggest Job Family Program