Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

It's a predicament, isn't it?  It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse.  (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.) You make an effort, your spouse resists.  You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too! What DO you do?  When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change. Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help. Quite the predicament, isn't it? It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine.  They both emailed me questions for the podcast.  Seemingly from different places in the process.  But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament. Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort.  Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying... in spite of his resistance? And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament.  But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope.  How does Kri

I've seen it so many times.  A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart.  Then, suddenly, it is ending!  Slowly, then all at once. A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending:  they slowly drifted apart. You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat.  I sure didn't.  I've seen it over and over.  Nothing drastic or sudden.  Just slowly disconnecting.  Slowly drifting apart.  And slowly failing. Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't know how dangerous that can be! Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues... the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection. But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly... until one person finally "can't do it anymore."  And then, the crisis is deep.  Deeper than you knew. How does it work?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Importance of Connection The Pause Button Marriage Healing Disco

Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage? Yes. These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage. I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes,  but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes. And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are.  Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here. Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's to Save Your Marriage Why Connection is So Important How to Show Up to Your Marriage Grab the Save The Marriage System  

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage. These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC. Acceptance Responsibility Control Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCE: Control Responsibility Thrive Principles Save The Marriage System

Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage.  When connection is cut off, the relationship falters.  When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. This concept is the backbone of my approach.  It is the core of my System — restoring the connection. Which is the problem.  Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back. The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall.  The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection. Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage.  Not from ill-will but misunderstanding. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd.  This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members.  But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it.  (The other 9 are st

Slowly, slowly... you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working! Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow.  You can feel it! But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections. Until... Maybe it was something small... Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)... And BOOM!  You blow up! You use a tone you wish you hadn't.  You say things you wish you hadn't.  You do things you wish you hadn't. BLOW UP! ... and then it passes. But the damage is done. Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain. So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem. Listen to this week's podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Too Late? Making Up For Mistakes And Back

Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System

I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet:  “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.”  Wow, what a power couple!  And they were calling it quits. Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people.  They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank:  money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together." I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage. But they don’t. Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage?  Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage? And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous? That is what I cover in this episode o

Two phone calls the same day.  Both with the same question:  "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?"  One had been working at it for awhile.  The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start). It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process.  Each has a different meaning.  All share a fear. That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you. This week, I want to take on the question, "What if I can't save it?", because not every marriage can be saved.  (But NONE are saved without action.) Don't let the question trip you up.  Understand what's behind it.  And listen to my answer to the question. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Can This Marriage Be Saved? My Approach and Why It Matters DYWAYADAGWYAG When Your Spouse is Stuck Grab the Save The Marriage System

As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE).  The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question. In this episode, I answer Patrick.  His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done.  Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings. Can feelings change?  Of course.  They already did.  Which is why you are in a crisis.  At one time, you felt the love. That has shifted, and it can shift again.  Our feelings and levels of connection are always fluctuating and shifting. So, yes feelings of love CAN come back.  But why did they leave?  And what can you do to help them return? I cover those questions… homing in on Patrick’s enquiry for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connection Is Lifeblood Healing Disconn

Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere?  Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”? I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are.  They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns.  Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out. Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work?  They are so easy to fall into.  In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me.  I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles. And then, I took a big breath.  Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror.  What role(s) do I fall into?  What was MY default? More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode? Here’s the thing:  we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing.  

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it. NMF When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings. And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage? NMF I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful. Bec

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold? Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other. The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting. What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path? We explore th

For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward.  You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage.  But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility. Why? There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing.  They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers. Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless.  Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved!  And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless.  Add those together, and it can seem pretty helpless. But is it? Not if you can find a way beyond the 3 barriers. In my VIP Program, I provide a weekly training, along with tools and coaching, to help people who are ready to make a real shift in their relationship.  My System is kind of like the white belt training — knowing what you need to know to deal with a basic situation.  VIP is the blue belt, designed for those wanting more effectiveness and efficiency in their efforts. During

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway. But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage! Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis. In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do t

“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married.  I knew they were in trouble.  And for all of the best of intentions!  They wanted to be equals.  Equal responsibility and equal coverage. Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble. Yes, they had the best of intentions.  And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble. Why? Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness.  If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%. This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in.  And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door!  But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up th

Feelings.  We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel. Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings.  And we try to get away from those feelings. In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel.  So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way. Unfortunately, that "something" is more a "someone," the spouse. Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away? There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship.  The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart. Those 2 feelings? Feeling wanted. Feeling accepted. You may not feel wanted or accepted.  If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now.  Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted. In this podcast episode, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelin

Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.”  In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week. What happened?  How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere? The simple answer is, it didn’t. Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think. As one divorce attorney put it, marriages “fall apart little by little, then all at once.” The hurts, pains, disconnections, lost opportunities, and slights build up over time.  And suddenly, they hit a threshold.  I call it the Threshold Problem.  You didn’t see the threshold coming, until it hits.  Until the marriage runs out of gas.  Then, you have a hard time seeing how you got to the threshold.  So it looks like it was out of the blue, out of nowhere. But it wasn’t.  It

You've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself.  You're proud of your efforts.  But your spouse just isn't buying. For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes! Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall?  Like nothing you are doing is making a difference?  Like your spouse has already judged you and won't allow themselves to see something different? In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn't willing or able to see a change.  Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn't trust that the change will last. Does that describe your situation?  If so, please listen.  I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor. RELATED RESOURCES How to Stay in the Game Don’t Try to Make, Get, or Cause Healing A Spouse’s Resentments Why Connection Is So Important Save The Marriage System

We had been talking for at least half an hour.  I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do.  I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing. Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out.  They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve.  But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce.  So, I work hard to show a way forward. I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller.  She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations.  (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.) Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?" Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised.  I get the same request on a regular basis.  That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limita