Parents Lead

The tiny threads that sew you and your beloved together are intimate and very private; and the loving touch is definitely one of those tiny threads that bind you to each other. It comes in many forms and flavors from a sentimental card or candy in a pretty box to a warm embrace. Flowers and a romantic dinner work as well. Whatever form it takes, the loving touch means that it's an uncommon moment, a moment for special friends and lovers. But alas, the cards will be read and the candy eaten, expensive presents discarded and sincere words forgotten. In time the flowers will wilt and the romantic dinner become but yesterday's fond memory. Something more is needed: a loving touch not to fade, not to be forgotten. It needs to provide that special advantage that Judith Viorst said marriage brings to the two of you. "One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again." To sustain your love until you fall in love again

Sure, some lucky ducks were born with silver spoons in their mouths; and in life's great poker game, some people get better cards than others. It's enough to make you just sit down and cry. The old law-of-averages certainly doesn't apply to you. If luck were really a lady, the world would be a fairer place. Even if it weren't, at least you would get better cards. Maybe your luck will turn; but then again, maybe not. In the meantime, you will need to simply go with the cards you are dealt. Okay, you get it; but it's still a roll of the dice and you can't do much about that fact of life; but, maybe you can. A friend tells this story. "It was bright-and-early one morning when Grandpa found an exceptionally fine sea shell on the beach. I flippantly commented, ‘That was just dumb luck, your finding that shell.' He smiled and replied, ‘Yes, it was dumb luck for a guy who was already on the beach and looking before 6:30.'" Sure, luck and maybe even dumb luck at times play a big part in a lot of things. Things happ

For John O'Brien, his hope was that we may care enough to love enough to share enough to let others become what they can be; but how do we do this at home, at work, and in the context of our other important relationships? Consider the following strategies. They may or may not work equally well for all of us; but they are definitely worth considering. Cooperation: Emphasize a helpful, supportive approach to all of your relationships and activities with other people. Bertrand Russell said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." You likely will want to set your sights a little less grandly than redeeming mankind; but you nonetheless get the idea. Cooperation is definitely the way to go and helping others is one of the best ways to get there. What's more, Charles Dudley promises added benefits for you if you are helpful and supportive with other people, "It is one of the beautiful compensations of this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." Now, that cert

A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray. - Alan Sherman Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people. - Martina Navratilova Most people have become convinced that vanity is a bad quality to have. In fact, it may actually be a cardinal vice which makes it more than bad; it's terrible. If one explores this negative pronouncement in more depth though, it ain't necessarily so. For example, Lord Chesterfield said, "To this principle of vanity, which philosophers call a mean one, and which I do not, I owe a great part of the figure which I have made in life." There you go. Chesterfield thought vanity was one of the keys to his success. It may be that vanity is little more than one of those things that is just going around. If so, even you may have a little yourself. As Blaise Pascal suggested, "Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who

I am sad to hear that President Trump will be leading those who choose to celebrate Independence Day with a show of tanks and military air might. Instead of hotdogs, baseball and apple pie, we are representing our national pride by proclaiming to the world that our defensive and perhaps aggressive power is up to any challenge. Instead of wrapping our national pride in freedom and democracy, it is being symbolized by our biggest guns and fastest planes. Instead of a celebration to confirm and reassure, it is a message to reinforce the possibility if not the probability of war, a message to promote fear and trepidation. It is a bit like replacing Thanksgiving with a day of preparation. Unfortunately, Erma Bombeck no longer has it right. Her gentle picture is just not there when the view is through President Trump's eyes. “You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with

Why should your children pay attention to anything you say or tell them? Stop a second to think about what your first reaction was to the question. For most people, "Because I am the parent" or "Because I am the adult" or some variation on the theme comes to mind. Both of these answers are reasonable and appropriate. What I want to point out here is that there are several reasons why your children should listen to what you say. It will be helpful for you to think about and understand which reason is operating when you want your children to listen, to pay attention, to accept what you are saying to them or telling them. Your being clear about why they should pay attention will help them be clear about why they should pay attention this time. There is an additional payoff for you. When you are at work or in other situations where you want people to pay attention to you, being clear in your own mind about why they should pay attention will make it more likely that they will accept you and what you are saying.

Diane Loomans once reminisced, "If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging and less tugging." Being a parent is both satisfying and challenging. Knowing exactly how to handle any situation can be very difficult. Sloan Wilson captured the central issue this way, "The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard." Although being a parent is very complex and will have many twists and turns over the years, knowing how you and your child are doing through the process is less daunting

Young people, like adults, have better days and worse days. Even so, they typically stay toward the middle between better and worse and seldom drift very far toward worse. They have many more up days than down, with the down days being reasonably described as feeling sad or just bummed out. The point is that as dramatic as youngsters can sometimes be, they do not normally get seriously down or depressed; and when they do, it does not last more than a few days. They rebound fairly quickly. The same holds for their behavior and adjustment. They keep it between the lines most of the time; and if they get a little out of bounds, it is unusual and temporary. The following statements describe a well-adjusted young person. Although any youngster is unlikely to fit the descriptions all the time, the descriptions fit most young people most of the time. When a youngster's behavior or adjustment noticeably deviates from the description, concern is appropriate. If the problem or issue goes on for more than a few days,

1. What do you think it means to have good mental health? 2. What do you do to help your mental health? 3. What do you like about yourself? 4. What helps you feel happy, excited, satisfied? What kinds of people, situations, things help you feel good, help you be emotionally positive? 5. When do you feel unhappy? What kinds of people, situations, or things get you to feeling afraid, angry, sad, confused, or feeling emotionally negative? 6. Sometimes our negative emotions get out of balance and sort of take over. When this happens, we sometimes have problems with our behavior and adjustment. When your emotions get a little out of balance and the negative emotions take over, what kinds of problems does it cause you with your behavior, your adjustment? 7. Our feelings are okay. This includes feeling afraid, angry, or sad. How we deal with our feelings makes a difference, though. How do you deal with it when you feel angry, when you feel afraid, when you feel sad? 8. It is important to understand our

1. Be cooperative. This means you work well with others and are there to help as appropriate, when needed. 2. Be loyal. This means you hang in there with the ups and downs and are supportive of and with others when there is internal or external conflict or criticism. 3. Be caring and concerned. This means that you stay involved and interested in the successes stresses and challenges of others. 4. Be engaged and sharing. This means that you regularly talk and interact with others. 5. Be respectful. This means you listen patiently and carefully whenever others are talking, telling you about something, or trying to express their ideas or feelings. 6. Be trusting. This means you do not get into blaming, accusing, or threatening others. Now you know so there you go.

1. Be Accepting This means you are okay with me as is, with no interest in trying to change me. 2. Be Affectionate This means you find opportunities to be warm and close with me. 3. Be Ambitious This means you are always on the outlook for chances to improve our lives. 4. Be Assertive This means you speak up about what you want and need. 5. Be Attractive This means you work to be someone I want to be with and do things with. 6. Be Considerate This means you care about my feelings, interests and needs. 7. Be Consistent This means you are always appropriate and predictable. 8. Be Dependable This means I can always count on you. 9. Be Decisive This means you are comfortable making choices and decisions. 10. Be Energetic This means you are usually ready to participate in whatever comes along. 11. Be Fair This means you don't think everything is about you and what you want. 12. Be Flexible This means you are open to changing your plans and opinions. 13. Be Gentle This means I can always b

I think we all know that things are constantly changing, whether or not we are paying attention to the changes. It may seem that everything is the same today as they were yesterday, but they aren’t. Even if we don’t notice, nothing is quite the same today as it was yesterday. Things change, people change, circumstances change, and we change too. What this fact of life and living demonstrates is that change is a process and not an event. The outcome may appear to be spontaneous but never is. Fortunately, we can usually understand what happened if we stop to consider it carefully. Even if we don’t understand, we know that the change was a result of a process that is just not clear to us. At times, we decide that we are not satisfied with the status quo and want things or circumstances to change. The change we want may be for us, our family, a specific relationship, our work team, our company or other organization, our community, or within any context where we think change is desirable or necessary. That is wh

I think we all know that things are constantly changing, whether or not we are paying attention to the changes. It may seem that everything is the same today as they were yesterday, but they aren’t. Even if we don’t notice, nothing is quite the same today as it was yesterday. Things change, people change, circumstances change, and we change too. What this fact of life and living demonstrates is that change is a process and not an event. The outcome may appear to be spontaneous but never is. Fortunately, we can usually understand what happened if we stop to consider it carefully. Even if we don’t understand, we know that the change was a result of a process that is just not clear to us. At times, we decide that we are not satisfied with the status quo and want things or circumstances to change. The change we want may be for us, our family, a specific relationship, our work team, our company or other organization, our community, or within any context where we think change is desirable or necessary. That is wh

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." -- Oscar Wilde Suppose Wilde is right, pure and simple. It follows that his proposition is likely not pure and definitely not simple. Truth has many forms and many faces, some of which are persisting and some of which are temporary, some of which are obvious and some of which are subtle, some of which are certain and some of which only might be true, are probably true, or are (as the physicists like to say) "approximately true." Most of the time, one can comfortably deal with the world without thinking about the nature of truth or about the actual validity of most truths. It works out fine to proceed on a "true enough" basis. Ice is cold and fire is hot. Your car is still where you parked it. The directions you get from MapQuest.com will get you where you want to go. Eat too much and you will get fat. If you need help, you can count on your best friend. The important quandary usually isn't about truth or whether true enough is good enough. Rather,

The idea that excellence is a product of training isn't surprising. Athletes, musicians, and those who achieve preeminence in other areas requiring superior personal performance are well-aware of the necessity and value of continuous training. The point that may not be as obvious is that training and habituation are prerequisites for areas of excellence beyond developing physical skills and individual talents. They are necessary for emotional excellence, moral excellence, interpersonal excellence, as well as intellectual excellence. The point that may be even less obvious is as Aristotle said, "Training and habituation are prerequisite to virtue. People have the capacity to be virtuous but become virtuous people only through training and habitually acting rightly. One becomes virtuous by acting virtuously." How does one act virtuously? Cicero advised, "It is our special duty, that if anyone needs our help, we should give him such help to the utmost of our power." Confucius said, "To be able to practice five

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity. - Christopher Morley You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. - Doug Floyd The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself. - Rita Mae Brown Sticking to the high road can be quite challenging. Even so, the associated lessons all have two things in common. First, they usually are not particularly complicated. It certainly can sometimes take a while to get it; but once you do get it, the lesson is normally straight-up and to the point. Second, and here is the rub, the lessons invariably are a "So now you tell me!" kind of thing. Oh sure, hindsight is 20/20, live and learn, no one is perfect, and you are only human. Nonetheless, having learned your lesson is not much consolation once you have already missed important opportunities to stick to th

Most people are more comfortable with old problems than with new solutions. - Author unknown All the mischiefs in the world may be put down to the general, indiscriminate veneration of old laws, old customs, and old religion. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg Stubbornness does have its helpful features. You always know what you are going to be thinking tomorrow. - Glen Beaman The relationship between trial and suffering is a common theme in the success and motivation literature, although "failure" usually replaces "trial and suffering" in the equation. For example, Benjamin Disraeli said, "All my successes have been built on my failures." The famous Anon. said, "Failure is a better teacher than success, but she seldom finds an apple on her desk;" and Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, said, "Most success springs from an obstacle or failure." Maury Povich joined in too when he said, "There's got to be a glitch along the way, or else you lose touch with reality." Robert Louis Stevenson took the concept to the extr

Conformity: Every society honors its live conformists, and its dead troublemakers. - Mignon McLaughlin || Don't think you're on the right road just because it's a well-beaten path. - Author unknown "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do." -- Edward Everett Hale A similar sentiment was expressed by William Penn "I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." Your best strategy over the long-haul is to understand where people want to go and help them get there. You do this by talking with them about what aid and support they need from you and being sure they get it. It may seem more expedient to charge full-speed-ahead and others be damned; but being too self-serving ends up, in the long run, serving no one. Your success is best served b

Conformity: Every society honors its live conformists, and its dead troublemakers. - Mignon McLaughlin || Don't think you're on the right road just because it's a well-beaten path. - Author unknown "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do." -- Edward Everett Hale A similar sentiment was expressed by William Penn "I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." Your best strategy over the long-haul is to understand where people want to go and help them get there. You do this by talking with them about what aid and support they need from you and being sure they get it. It may seem more expedient to charge full-speed-ahead and others be damned; but being too self-serving ends up, in the long run, serving no one. Your success is best served b

I have made what may be one of the world’s seventeen greatest discoveries. It is this: “Always keep it short and to the point.” You may disagree, citing Robert Southey who said, “It is with words as with sunbeams. The more they are condensed, the deeper they burn,” or Shakespeare who promised in Hamlet, “Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit, and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief.” Of course you are not questioning my point, just my assertion that I personally made the discovery. Naturally, I know that Baltasar Gracián said that “Good things, when short, are twice as good.,” in The Art of Worldly Wisdom; and Thomas Jefferson said, “The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.” These great minds along with many others counsel us to be concise and not impose on the patience of anyone when we can avoid it. They have mostly intended their advice for the written word. For example, Lord Sandwich advised, “If any man will draw up his case, an